Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
