I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
