the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
