whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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