Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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