On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
