the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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