is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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