i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize