Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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