a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
