she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
We are all done wearing pants today
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
