Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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