I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
