Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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