either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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