I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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