i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
