Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
