Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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