And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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