I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
