it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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