Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
