My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Randomize
