drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
