Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
