dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
