he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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