Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
