turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
