remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
