She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
