I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
