I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
We were destined to go to rehab together
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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