my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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