I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Can you bring me the toilet please
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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