I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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