just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
