JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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