Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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