just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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