I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
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soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
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Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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