A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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