I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
