1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
