he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
he told me I talked like a deaf person
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
