My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
