white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I am midnight drunk by noon
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
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