Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
