Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
