College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
