forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
