I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
