Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
