You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
