Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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