i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
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he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
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All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.