Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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