I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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