So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
