You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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